Monday, July 24, 2006

I Should Clean More Often

Cleaning has always been a paradox for me. If it were just up to me, I’d do what I do the majority of the time;

Clean up ONLY the biological messes.

ie-I’ll clean the bathroom, wash the dishes, take out the garbage etc., anything that will grow germs, mold and so forth, but I have a hard time finding the rationale for picking up the place, or putting away my video games, organizing that pile of papers, or picking up my clothes, let alone that pointless evil brainwashing process foisted upon us by women; folding them.

These objects are hurting no one, laying there on the floor. They are innocent. They are not spewing disease and fermenting infectious germs like say, children. Thus, I say leave the non-bacterial stuff alone and clean up only what truly matters.

Alas, while these are one of the many benefits of bachelorhood, there comes the time where I unfortunately must clean BEYOND my standards and that is anytime I have the prospect for a date.

Notice, I said "prospect." For we all know that just because a girl says yes to a date, doesn’t mean you’re actually going on it (thus prompting me to come up with the Theory of 505025). But regardless of the probability that you’re actually going to go out on a date, bachelors have to assume that you are going out on the date.

And not only are you going out on the date, but you must also assume the girl will have poor judgement, and therefore you might get lucky and she might actually go home with you, thereby leaving you no option but to fully clean the bachelor pad.

And that is the paradox.

Is the probability that you are actually going to score with a chick worth the AT MINIMUM 4 HOURS of unnecessary cleaning?

The short answer is no, but again it is the only bet you can make, thus you have no choice.
So you spend the next 4 hours cleaning your house head to toe. And based on statistics, 78% of the time it will be pointless, because girls (at least in Minnesota, be curious about other states/countries) bail out at the last minute or somehow fail to show up 78% of the time. And upon further thought, it’s even less likely than that, in that it’s only about 5% of the time will the girl actually see the inside of your house.

However, as much as I’d like to say that it ends there, it does not. For while it is most certainly likely a waste of your time to clean the house, you LITERALLY HAVE NO OPTION WHEN IT COMES TO CLEANING YOUR CAR!

I don’t know about you, but I use my car as kind of a separate, off-site mobile storage unit. Why rent some place to store my excess wares when I have a perfectly good automobile trunk. And if you don’t have children and look in the owners manual of your car, you’ll see that the backseat automatically defaults to "Extra Storage Space for Your Crap."

Unfortunately, women don’t see the economic genius in using all storage space available to you, so unless she’s picking you up or you’re biking over to her place, you get to clean the car.
Here is where certainly the 78% Bail Out Ratio becomes tedious and annoying as all hell. Assuming you not only clean out the car, but also wash and wax it, as well as Windex the interior, you at minimum will spend 1.5 hours on that car. Add that to the 4 hours you spend cleaning out the house, you’ve now spent 5.5 hours in total cleaning.

This unspoken opportunity cost is rarely considered when budgeting yourself for a date. If you take 5.5 hours and multiply it by your hourly wage at work, it will provide some insight as to just how truly costly dating is and that’s assuming you’re going on the date.

Fortunately, there is a solution, and your Captain Capitalism has found it.

For those aspiring Male economists, we all know that women do not like to be chased.

Actually, let me rephrase that;

We have no freaking clue what women like.

But we do know when we chase them or show any interest in them, they do not have any interest in us. However, when we ignore them and act indifferent to them, then we need sticks and RPG’s to keep them away.

Thus, fellow Economists of the Bachelortude Order, I propose that for the first date you do not pick them up, but rather meet them at the venue or location of the date. This not gives you the air of indifference to them, thereby making you look irresistible in their feminine eyes, but it also alleviates us of the responsibility of cleaning the car since we will not be picking them up.

Furthermore, should things go so well that there might be the potential for a little smoochy-smooch, then I suggest you insist on going to her place.

This alleviates you of the responsibility of cleaning the house.

If you follow these rules, I estimate this will save you 5.5 hours worth of labor, which translates into $88 at average market wages.

However, for all the drawbacks of unnecessary cleaning, I must admit today, I’m glad I am cleaning the place head to toe in preparation of selling the house. For not only did I unearth those two old charts from The Economist, but also this political cartoon.

It’s 2 years old, but I’d still like to point out where 2 years of negotiations and warm fuzzy puppy talk with the Iranians have gotten us.

9 comments:

Mr. Horrorpants said...

Long time reader, first time responder.

The economics of dating should be similar to the economics of pool hustling. At no point should the bachelor ever expend more than is absolutely necessary to look the part. TGIFriday's should be the starting point for many dates. It sets the standard that you're a little bit tacky and unimaginitive. A bachelor can always work above and beyond the bare minimum they are accustomed to, but only when necessary.

In the same way, cleaning should never become so total as to imply effort.

I'd write more, but I'm wasting energy with which I could be posting on my own blog.

John

Anonymous said...

Aren't you already dating some girl? She was buying you flowers and stuff?

Captain Capitalism said...

Yes, I did have a girl that was buying me flowers and such. unfortunately she had some issues she had to work through.

This relegates me to my default setting of working while outsourcing the finding of the future Mrs. Capitalism to third party vendors.

Anonymous said...

I believe that if you were to do some maintenance upkeep it would help you immensely trying to get ready for a date. If you put away your clothes after washing them or put away the video game after beating it, then you would not have to spend as much time in bulk cleaning. Think of this as getting preventative medical care instead of only going to the emergency room when you are about to kick the bucket. It costs less if you don't have to pay for a medical emergency (clean the whole house and car at one time).

PS,
As a fairly new reader, what are you looking for in the future Mrs Capitalism?

Captain Capitalism said...

Yes, but the bulk cleaning adheres to Adam Smith's theory of specialization, focusing on one task rather than spreading it over the course of time with others, will result in that task getting done faster and at a higher quality.

As for what I'm looking in the future Mrs. Capitalism, preferably somebody who isn't psychotic, doesn't have issues with their mother/father, isn't diseased, works for a living, doesn't have children, and hasn't watched so much 90210 that they get more of a kick out of drama than they do the real world.

There are other requirements, but frankly, I'll be impressed if you can find that much.

And there is a commission for anybody that finds me the future Mrs. Capitalism.

Captain Capitalism said...

Cripes, don't you guys have enough money up there in Alberta already?

Alright, how about this, I'll give the person who finds my wife $1,000 at the wedding, meaning in addition to the $1,000 I would pay for the flight and lodging to the wedding. Of course you won't know until I get married whether or not you'll get the $1,000.

For your insistence on a repeat business fee, fine, very well.

But you will have your compensation tied to your performance.

For each year that goes by, I will rank my happiness with the marriage on a scale of 1-10.

Anything 4 or below, you get nothing. 5 or higher you get $100 for every point increment (ie-6, you get $200, 7 - $300, etc. etc.)

HOWEVER, if I get divorced, you must pay $2,000 and $2,000 of my lawyer fees (if any).

How does that sound?

Andrew L said...

Sounds like an easy way for the captain to make $1,000 just by getting married and divorced in the same month.

Captain Capitalism said...

Curse you Andrew!

Don't tip him off!

Captain Capitalism said...

Whoa whoa whoa. I've dealt with chicks that that wreaked hell in just 2 months, let alone 2 years. It wouldn't be worth the $.

As for the rating system, you'll just have to trust me. ;)